“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
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[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
“Why you watching this shit?”
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.