“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
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No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor