@Grommit56 Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
@InternetHippo “Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
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@Grommit56 
@sportsjeans Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
@badbanana Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
@CulturedRuffian Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
@basic_afbitch 6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
@heyitsJudeD My sex drive has a dui
@ScottLinnen So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
@birbigs New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
@Branka_R My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
@OhNoSheTwitnt Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]