@InternetHippo

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

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@Grommit56

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

@badbanana

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

@CulturedRuffian

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

@basic_afbitch

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

@ScottLinnen

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

@birbigs

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

@Branka_R

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]