“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

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Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.


Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.


Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁


6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)


So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.


New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”


My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…


Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]