“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
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Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.