Do you want to taunt a snowman?
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I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I just ran a .003048K
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot