*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
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Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???