@stevevsninjas Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
@shopkins776 Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
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@stevevsninjas 
@LoveNLunchmeat Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
@XplodingUnicorn A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
@ShalyahEvans Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
@XplodingUnicorn I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
@Turn2Dude I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
@PettyRuxpin83 I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
@ojedge [puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
@occupied_stall Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
@dafloydsta Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.