@shopkins776

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

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@stevevsninjas

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

@XplodingUnicorn

A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.

@ShalyahEvans

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

@XplodingUnicorn

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

@Turn2Dude

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

@PettyRuxpin83

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

@ojedge

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

@occupied_stall

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

@dafloydsta

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.