Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
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Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.