Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
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Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
God has abandoned us.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting