Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
You Might Also Like
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.