Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
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I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Love it! 👍😂
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Finished stitching this today 😇
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane