Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
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ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN