Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

@SlabBaconBP

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

@KingFavre

This might be the funniest tweet ever

@TheWoodenslurpy

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

@truegritrumble

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

@chuuew

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

@welfarehoe

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

@AsgardianRose

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

@robfee

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

@djdarrellripley

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?