Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: get out
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Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?