Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
i wish we could shoplift online
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway