Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
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My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.