Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth

if my sleeping schedule was a person

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?