Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
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Stop it! 😂
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.