@Book_Krazy Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
@iAmDelFreaky Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
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@Book_Krazy 
@LuvPug Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
@GreenishDuck One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
@TheHoshuah tinder is all about the long game
@JusyMot This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
@EJGomez [sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
@Ideal_Victoria On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
@BradNewsBears Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
@morethanMI5 *Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
@SvnSxty *heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked