Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
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Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire