@iAmDelFreaky

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

You Might Also Like

@Book_Krazy

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

@LuvPug

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

@GreenishDuck

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

@JusyMot

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

@EJGomez

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

@Ideal_Victoria

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

@BradNewsBears

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

@morethanMI5

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

@SvnSxty

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked