Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

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Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.


Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.


One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.


This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.


[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”


On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes


Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..


Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.


*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..


*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked