Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
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Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
tinder is all about the long game
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked