doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
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Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.