“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
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[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!