[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
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That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
❤️❤️❤️
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing