Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
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Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
🤣🤣
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good