doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
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I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Just as the prophecy foretold