Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
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kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.