Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
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Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄