Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
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8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.