DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
seems like a niche market
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.