Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
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[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )