@girlontapas I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
@MichaelJErhart Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
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@girlontapas 
@ElgatoEsmio [An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
@MeepisMurder my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
@BacklineNurse Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
@SteveMarriott Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
@stanleybehrman If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
@EndhooS interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
@LimeyBits Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
@TEXASVETERAN I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
@Try2StopME Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.