@MichaelJErhart

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

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@girlontapas

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

@ElgatoEsmio

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

@MeepisMurder

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

@BacklineNurse

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

@SteveMarriott

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

@stanleybehrman

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

@EndhooS

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

@TEXASVETERAN

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

@Try2StopME

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.