Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

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I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.


[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”




my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems


Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster


Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst


If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…


interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]


I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.


Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.