doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
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She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad