DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
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I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
No, he would not have.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.