*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
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My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Nothing to do, you say?
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked