doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
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[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute