doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
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*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Raisins are grape jerky.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”