Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
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her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Dune (2021)
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?