Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”

Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)