Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
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Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.