Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
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All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.