doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
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ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Every time my phone rings
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many