doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
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Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no