Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
You Might Also Like
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*