Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
You Might Also Like
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!