DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
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How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??