Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
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“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Some people were born into their job.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
No regrets in 2018
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong