Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
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My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I feel it
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this