doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
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Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.