Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
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I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
How to wake up a Beagle
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.