DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
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“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.