Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
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Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If you are reading this then you are reading this
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Happy thanksgiving
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now