Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
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her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.