DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
You Might Also Like
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated