Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
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15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.