Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

Roombas should bark

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

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