doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
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*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word