doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
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A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
LOL!
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine